Slideluck Lunchshow: Tentorium Coconut Stew



Greg Kieser’s Tentorium Coconut Stew

(with Lotus Seeds as a special guest)

 This recipe makes enough to fill one of those disposable turkey roasting pans that can usually be found on the top shelf in one of the aisles at your local supermarket. Probably feed 12 people. You can downsize the recipe by halving the ingredients – or something.

This is the first time in centuries this recipe has been written down so be careful. It may elicit an ancient curse and then we’re all screwed. It originates from deep within the hills and valleys of the ancient land of Kieser Tentorium – hence the name. In the past it was used to warm and nourish the armies of this land so they may protect their peoples from invasions of more mundane food cultures – such as those which annihilated other less-suspecting cultures using hamburgers and french fries. Thanks to the sacrifices these armies made, and a long oral tradition, the recipe has survived the centuries. Recently it has been used in more metropolitan cultures to numb the minds of Slideluck attendees and prepare them for a show full of laughs, cries, and heart-wrenching faces of inspiration and glory.

As you know, oral traditions are certainly not the most effective way to pass down information. Due to this fact the stew has changed quite a bit; none of the ingredients are the same. In fact, none of the ingredients ever even existed in Kieser Tentorium. Below is the adapted recipe. Try it. One requirement of those who choose to relive the lives of ancient Tentorium chefs is that you must add your own signature. Over the 2000 years it has been made it has never been the same twice. If you read this recipe and follow it word for word you will be cursed. That’s a promise. So think of it as a painting.,. What happens in a painting if you add too many colors? It becomes black … right? And what happens when you don’t add enough colors… it becomes bland… yeah? If you change an ingredient, don’t replace it with something that will upset the balance.

 These are the 3 areas you should be focused on when maintaining balance in this stew (or any stew):

 Colors: green, brown, red, white, orange, others. Shouldn’t be more than six and it should be easy to look at. People have to eat it.

 Categories: Protein 30% – Carbs 40% – Green Vegetables and other interesting stuff 30%

 Flavors: Bitter, sweet, bland, salty, interesting.

 Be careful with the interesting tastes as they can overpower the entire stew. Lotus seeds and King Eryngii mushrooms are two interesting tastes that don’t overpower.

Ingredients:

-2 25.5 oz. cans coconut milk

-5 cups of lotus seed (this is the secret ingredient – found in Chinatown in one of those dry goods places with all the mushrooms and shrimp(s) – you will have to pronounce it with emphasis on the second syllable – loTUS – or you may have to do acrobatics to get your point across.)

-2 large sweet potatoes or Korean sweet potatoes, peeled and sliced however you want

-1 large mango cut into nice little chunks

-2 packages of King Eryngii mushrooms sliced lengthwise so they confuse and peak interest

-slightly over 1 pound of mini bok choy with their cute little bottoms cut off

-2 or 3 regular-sized zucchini or squash, sliced in half moons

-2 tomatoes, cut however you want

-1 pound shrimp(s)

-1 pound bay scallops

-Enough olive oil

-3 tablespoons chopped ginger

-1 basil plant, all chopped up in little pieces

-4 cloves of garlic, chopped

-A bundle of scallions, sliced

-4 heaping teaspoons of Thai chili garlic sauce

-a splash of Marie Sharp’s Habanero or favorite hot sauce (optional)

1) Heat a whole lot of olive oil in large wok. Throw in garlic and white part of scallions until light brown. Throw in King Eryngii sliced mushrooms. Cook this stuff for a while on high heat. The mushrooms take a while (20 minutes). They will take in a lot of olive oil so throw some more in there if pan becomes to dry. Olive oil is your friend. Throw some salt in too.

1) – Simultaneously: Boil large pot of water. When boiling, throw in peeled and sliced potatoes and loTUS seeds. Let these cook in the water until they are both semi-soft but not too soft as they will cook in the stew as well. They should not be crunchy but not mushy. Probably about 8 minutes or so. Drain water and throw seeds and potatoes in the over roaster pan.

2) When the King Eryngii are browned lightly you can throw the shrimp(s) (remove the little tail) and scallops in the wok with them. Also throw in two of the heaping teaspoons of Thai chili garlic sauce. Let this cook until shrimp(s) and scallops seem to be done. Dump it all in the over roasting pan. Alternatively, set the seafood aside and add it to the stew later.

3) Dump the tomatoes and mango into the pan, then dump in both large cans of coconut milk.  Mix around real good. Cover and put into the oven on high heat; like 500 or so.  Cook for an hour or so. Mix it up every 20 minutes as coconut milk may separate a little.

4) Pull the stew out of the oven and add the zucchini/ squash and the bok choy and mix around good. These are thrown in last because it keeps them from getting too soggy. If you use other quick-cooking veggies you can do this. If the stew has become extremely thick, add water or more coconut milk as necessary. Also add the cooked seafood if you did not do so earlier. Put stew in oven for 20 more minutes.

5) Take out of oven and add chili garlic sauce and hot sauce to taste.  Mix it around good and taste it. It probably needs to be salted real good. It should have a slight pink glow because of the tomatoes. If it doesn’t, add another one, smushed up real good. Also, if it seems there are proportionally too many lotus seeds and potatoes you can remove some of each. If there doesn’t seem to be enough coconut milk then add another small can or the equivalent in water.

6) Now add in the aromatics. These are best raw. Mix in the ginger and basil then spread the scallions on top.

Wrap the oven roaster pan good and take over to the next edition of SLIDELUCK!!

WARNING: DO NOT DARE MAKE THIS DISH LOW CARB OR LOW FAT. YOU WILL BE CURSED.

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